Angel Eyes

The Meat Grinder Incident III

The weekend was here, but no one was excited. It was a time that passed slowly and a time that made us all too aware of our meager existence. We stayed in the house all day. I sank low in the couch and felt the sweat lines build around the outline of my body. I felt bad for not being as sad as everyone else seemed, so I kinda just played along and acted as I imagined a sad kid would. I sat around trying to make myself cry. I saw mom cry and Jeff cry and Fran across the way cry. I just didn't need to cry. With my face smooshed into the pillows I focused on Dad leaving, on our dog that got hit by a car the summer before, and on Jackie, the first girl to break my heart. She was my buddy Garrett's older sister. I'll never forget the first time I met her. Me and Garrett had just got caught looking through his dad's stash of Playboys and instead of sticking around for "the talk", we hopped on our bikes and headed towards the orange groves behind the Pierce family farm. It was a spot we visited daily in the summer, and then on the weekends when school was back in. Towards the middle, past the stack of hay bales and past the olive trees, beyond the chicken coop where the land began to slope down, was a pond. The water was green and tall grass and moss grew around the perimeter. A small wooden rowboat, its blue paint sun-faded, roamed freely through the water. There was a small dock too, nothing to get excited about, but it was fun to try and flip off. It wasn’t high enough though and midway through the rotation we’d slap our backs on the surface. The greatest part about the pond though was the rope swing. Tied up in an old oak tree, a frayed rope swung back and forth, knotted 3 times at the end. Adjacent to where it was  tied up, a limb of the old oak tree shot out over the water and offered the perfect platform for takeoff. It was a balancing act, shimmying along the limb with the rope in one hand and using your other to reach for the small branches towards the end. We'd taunt each other from the bottom, "Do a flip! Do a flip if you aren't scared!" As a kid it literally seemed like a death defying maneuver to even climb up there. The takeoff was about 18 feet above the water, but looking down from the top, standing there wet and shaking from a mix of cold water and adrenaline, the drop expanded felt bottomless. You couldn't puss out though, if you pussed out you could say hello to an entire summer of being ostracized as a sissy. I never pussed out, but it didn’t mean I was brave. I was always terrified up there, I hated heights, but I hated feeling inferior even more. My signature move was half a flip with a twist at the end. I used to pull it off and shoot up off the bottom, flying out of the water with a huge grin on my face. It really was the best.

The day I met Jackie at the pond, the row boat became my new favorite part. Garret and I had raced form the entrance of the farm through the 57 rows of orange trees and down the dirt trail to the pond. With the water in sight he pulled ahead and skidded to a stop to gloat, but I just kept on pedaling. I held my bars tight and really hammered it right on past Garrett and straight into the water. It was a gigantic splash, bigger than any jackknife off the rope swing. I parted the water down the middle and sent ripples to the furthest edges of the pond. I let my bike sink and swam out to the middle. The rowboat was out there and I just wanted to float and relax. I had my eyes open under water and watched the green tinted salamanders, water snakes and tadpoles wiggle beneath me. Midstroke I hit the side of the little rowboat and reached up to pull myself in. As my weight started to tip the boat I heard a girl yell, "HEY!" I stuck my chin over the top and laying there in a navy blue, two piece swim suit, the type only movie stars wore, was Jackie. She was bronze and beautiful and so pissed off at me for getting her wet. I stared at her golden brown hair that fell over her eyes and her dimples and her neck. I stared at her arms, and her legs, and her hips and thought, now this is a woman. The magazines were recreation, but Jackie, Jackie was passion. I must have been day dreaming because when I snapped to she was yelling across the pond to Garrett, asking if I was one of Mr. Kaplan's special-ed kids. I laughed at the assumption and apologized for disturbing her. I stared at her for a minute longer and smiled before dipping back into the water. I swam to the dock and looked back. Jackie was drying off with small checkered towel and sipping a pop. I climbed to the rope swing and looked at her again. She had lain back down and a trail of blonde baby hairs crept down her stomach and glistened gold in the sunlight. She definitely didn't look like the girl next-door, but she was. Garrett was below me calling me a wuss. Saying I too scared to do a back flip. I wasn’t scared at all though. I was gunna bust out my most impressive move just for Jackie. I choked up on the rope and got a running start off the end of the limb. I dropped low, skimming the water and then ascended towards the top of the oak. As I neared the apex I prepped myself. I threw my legs backwards for momentum, pulled up with my biceps, and threw myself into a back flip. Halfway through I spotted Jackie, and threw in a twist at the end just for her. I splashed her again and she was less than impressed. She rowed to the dock, put her bag over her shoulder, picked up Garrett's bike and pedaled off barefoot. I knew she was my kind of girl.

I started hanging out with Garrett a lot more after the day at the pond. Any chance that arose to be over at his house I'd be there, hoping to catch a glimpse of his sister. She didn't take to kind to my advances at first, but she just didn't know me. I knew that if she gave me a chance I could show her I was more than just a 95 pound 14 year old. When the Mr. Softy truck would come around I'd make sure to be there to buy one for her. Her favorite was the chocolate vanilla swirl on a dipped cone. Each cone pretty much exhausted my resources for the week, but it was worth it to see her happy. Finally after 3 months I made some progress. It was in August at the Witnekka Drive In and as the sun set and the younger kids played on the monkey bars down front, Jackie, her friend Beth and I sat in the back of her parent’s station wagon. We were sitting in a circle playing truth or dare. Garrett left a while ago because I kept daring him to kiss Beth, but he wouldn't. Beth was a bit of a fast girl. She dared me to kiss her under the sheets. She dared me to look at her chest and put my hand down her pants. It was fun. I'm not sure why, but Jackie seemed to move a bit faster after this too. She kept asking me truth questions. "Do you like me?" Yes. "Do you think I'm pretty?" Yes. "Do you want to kiss me?" Well, yes. "Well then I dare you to kiss me under the sheets." It was easy to kiss Beth because I didn't care what she thought, but as soon as Jackie pursued me I froze. To make things worse the movie was starting and I saw Garrett walking back to the car. I didn't want to kiss her in front of him, but at the same time I knew I might not ever get this chance again. So I lifted the sheet, and she crawled under too. We stared at each other. She smiled and so did I. I laughed when I heard Beth egging us on. "You’re both so prude!" she said. Jackie got a serious look on her face, a determined one and came closer. I smelled her mint gum through her nose and she closed her eyes. I closed mine too and relaxed my lips. My arms shook as I held myself up in the most uncomfortable position. I could feel the static between our lips now and as the back of the car dipped from Garrett’s weight, we pushed our lips together and stayed that way for at least 3 breaths. It wasn’t the greatest kiss of my life, but I sure liked it. Jackie pulled away first and took Beth to go laugh up front. I sat glowing in the back the rest of the night with my legs crossed tightly hoping Garrett wouldn't notice. The next few months after the Drive-In were fun. Jackie and Beth would walk by my house and ask my mom if I could come out. She didn't trust them and used to give them a hard time for wanting to hang out with a little boy, but they didn't care. It was their time to experiment as much as it was mine. We spent the days in the back yard of Beth’s house. Both of her parents smoked pot and worked in downtown so we felt safe from judgment there. We'd lounge in the tile bottom pool and smoke cloves under the fig tree in the side-yard. Jackie and Beth would flash me through the matted windows of the bathroom and laugh as I'd push my face up against it trying to get a better look. It was a fun time, a time when me and Mom didn't talk much.

I saw it coming from the get go; I knew she'd eventually remember I was just a kid compared to her. The separation between 16 and 14 eventually was the great to bear. A senior asked her to go steady in the first month back at school and as if summer fling never existed she started treating me like her little brother's little friend.

I shook me up a bit, thinking about how cold hearted a girl could be, but I still didn't cry. Until dinner was ready, I stared out the front window towards the corner house and thought about Jackie. Ritchie Valens "Oh Donna" was on repeat in my head, so while the city mourned and Monday backed away, I sang to myself, "Cuz I love my girl, Donna where can you be?"